It just hurts. I do not know what is coming up in my near future but it better be good. These past months have caused me a lot of bad luck. I overall enjoyed my life but I am back to the bare essentials. Me, myself, and I. How do I focus on myself when I think about someone else consistently? I must become a total independent and relieve my pain and past. I shall do this quickly to no longer feel sad for myself or let anyone else decide I am to feel sorry for. One day you will see me more successful than I have even imagined. One day.
Since you’re the only one that reads this and you respond quicker this way, my relationship has concluded. I opened myself up and he ended it because he is still thinking of his past relationship. I only imagined a life longer with him in it but I’m back to reality. We could only hold on for so long.
I only created in hope that someone would find me important enough but I realize, I am. At least to myself. The rest will find me after my accomplishments are established and will reign after I am gone.
Many people may not understand the difficulty of being over anxious about a multitude of things that happen in someone’s life. I understand because it happens to me and I cannot control this feeling of…something I cannot even explain. I am overwhelmed and the thought of being overwhelmed makes me even more anxious for what is to come. One way to get through it is to make sure you have enough sleep. Even when you think you cannot, just try to relax and sleep will soon enough follow. The most important thing to do though is talk things through with someone who you can truly confide in. Someone who will listen such as your best friend, family member, or even therapist. I have a therapist because he tries to think unbiased to help me think to my own solution. I conclude my story and I am the only one that can.
When I come here to type, it seems to be in a negative state of mind that I am currently in. It certainly isn’t healthy keeping everything bottled up like I used to but then again I am not necessarily discussing these matters with others, just myself. Or is it just healthy to express yourself either way because discussing doesn’t solve a problem, it mainly calms you in the process of finding a “solution”. The reason I put solution in quotation marks is due to the fact that I don’t always believe there is a solution but a way to just move on and try to forget the problem.
Anyway… back to what I was trying to get to. I write because I am either frustrated, angry, annoyed, hurt, lost, etc. My happiness is always expressed whether I am out enjoying my family and friend time or actually enjoying my courses in college to prepare me for my career. When it comes to the harder emotions for myself, I tend to fall silent and exclude myself from all. I try to tell my story. I try to delve into my TV show watching. I try to try to be happy. Overall trying is not exactly an accomplishment. I do come around and turn in my frown for a smile but the deep issues are not resolved. I can move on but forgetting and forgiving is a battle for me.
When it comes down to it, I need to find a group that just listens. Not just someone but someones, if that makes sense. I want this because the close proximity of my family and friends makes me feel as if I burden them with my complaints. I only have a small collection of people to talk to and it hurts me to only report negative news when I speak with them. When I do, I feel better but I don’t know how they feel.
I hurt because I can’t express everything. I know it is partly my fault that I don’t have a large niche of friends but my personality is hard for others to understand. Many can’t handle it or use it against me but I am surviving somehow.
I just need to find my purpose in life of what I can ultimately be before my body dies and everyone is left with just the memories and teachings of my life. Although I already said I am here just for you, I need to find what is just for me.
I know it has been over two years since I have been in a relationship. I know that we initially did not end on rough terms but after the trial of friendship ended, so did our true love. We were infatuated with each other and did not understand the consequences of love aftermath. I was at fault for breaking us up but it was both of our faults for loving too much.
Realizing the closeness and the intimate relations now, I understand more deeply as to why I initially broke things off. I would say to myself that I was just bored but it is the reasons why I thought that. We were fully committed and although I thought I was ready to settle, I really was not even close. I needed to grow up and find out who I am and who I want to be. I am not finished on growing and learning about life and myself.
I know I still think about him even though I shouldn’t because we don’t even speak to one another. But it’s because I sometimes think one day we will meet again and be more mature and wise and handle this situation much better. An adult conversation.
When I was young, I used to become so angry that I could not even express in words what I felt in that certain situation. Now, even though I am older and wiser, I am not fully mature but I understand and can comprehend my feelings to a higher degree. I analyze what I am feeling and how I got there and how to deal with it in a sensible way. Overreacting never helps a situation and speaking before you think is not much of a good idea.
So, when you are blamed for something, it is hard to control the fury that bubbles inside. Discussing the feelings and not arguing is helpful to solve any problem. A level head and level heart cannot do much harm.
Now it comes down to why I am saying this. I became the escape route, the new enemy, the reason for all being bad because I could not reciprocate the same emotional feelings toward someone. I was not aware of these feelings from the other person and I was floored to find out that just because I did not “love” the way I “should” have was all my wrong doings.
Then the blame funnels down into I am the whole reason why this person could never be emotional again. When did I have the power to control someone else’s emotions? When did I force this person into telling me deep dark secrets? I never told anyone. I never made that person feel ashamed. I did not lead this person on. I was not using this person for my emotional gain. I was simply being a friend like so many others are not doing. Take me for granted, throw me away, and turn me into something lower than dirt by making me the mass murderer of your emotions while you stand victim.
You are not a victim but as to your own emotions. You know you have them but you refuse to let anyone see them and it only does you harm. Blame yourself. Blame yourself for not having enough confidence to boost your own self-esteem. Blame yourself for not opening up to anyone else. Blame yourself for blaming someone else and when they become upset, you run away and hide. Hiding just causes your entrapment to build into a nest of unwanted hatred.
Get over it and move on. Learn from the past. When you live in the sulking mannerisms of defeat, you become the defeat and you amount to the lower than dirt scenario. Everyone has a problem, a past, an old memory that cannot slip away. Release it not by forgetting but by admiring it as something that molded you into something better than what you could ever be.
You are who you are by how you handle, not by how you defeat.
I sit and stare at a computer screen everyday. Where is the excitement when your job is to be the social bug on the operation? I literally bore myself and have become this lazy slob making my communication, thinking, and literary skills plunder. I keep saying that when I get off of work I will strive to work out. I keep saying how I will eat healthier and drink more water. I keep saying how I will stop procrastinating. Nothing has yet to change except my appetite and I am not sure why.
I have succumbed to being an old fart. What does that entail? To be stuck in the same job, where you do the same thing every single day, where you go home after and lounge in front of the TV. I am so young and yet know that I am so old in theory right now. Right now, I feel extremely tired and it has provided me with the conclusion that I do not do enough to let my body have the energy it needs. Why do people let themselves fall into a pit when their lives should be to push themselves into a real existence? I know one reason because I used to tell myself this. If you do not care about what you look like and just want to enjoy the food you eat, your life can be happier and more joyful because it is one less thing to worry about. On the otherhand though, you set yourself up for the disaster of caring about what others think. What if they can see my cellulite? What if they can see my muffin top?
We always will contradict ourselves or what we have previously thought because when do we actually sit down and have time to think about the details of just one of our beliefs?
So, you know how I said I would write a book? Well… beginning this book made me realize that I did not want to write about that experience. I came to the conclusion that if I wrote this book, it would let me release all of my old feelings and I could move on. Unfortunately before finishing even a chapter, I noticed I could not finish because I was already over those old feelings. I feel better in the sense that I am not fully guilty of the past, I am not necessarily the “bad guy”, and I can live without someone constantly by my side. Now, that I have figured out some part of my life, there is still so much to figure out and to learn and consume my life with. It may not be a book but my life story is a story of itself. Although there are plenty of annoying blogs that have surfaced, I will try to create something different. I already tried with the book, so on to a new idea.
Right now, I also know I am going to be fully booked with school, work, projects, episodes, and of course watching TV. So, here’s the deal. I am going to write. I will not set a limit for myself because with a limit, the monstrosity of a day that I will be having will need to be explained in full detail. I may end up using all of these posts to create a book of its own but as for now, this blog is my life. My words will portray a picture. There is not a need for drawings, just explanations. My life is your entertainment. I will always believe and claim that I am here only to be a part in someone else’s life. I am here for them to learn to hate, love, appreciate, thank, teach, etc. I am here for you to fall upon and take advantage of and be a part of each of your histories. You may remember me as the one person who did something that one day. You do not need to know my name or remember my face, just the fact that I was a part of your life and I changed it in that fraction of time.